Chapter 5 – Uncomfortable Love

From the book: “Uncomfortable: The Awkward and Essential Challenge of Christian Community” by Brett McCracken

• Love is…?

C.S. Lewis wrote about love in his book, The Four Loves. Lewis’ perspective divides love into four parts. He described four different Greek words that referenced four different ways of loving.

Storge: Family love is the love between a parent and child, or between family members; it is driven by blood.

Phileo:  Friendship is love that refers to the relationship developed between two individuals when they find some common understanding that separates them from the rest of the larger group.

Eros:    Eros is love that sees the other person as admirable in themselves. It is not about oneself but about the beloved. Eros lovers would rather share struggle and unhappiness with the beloved than be happy on other terms.

Agape:  Agape is love Himself (God) working in a person; He is wholly disinterested and desires what is simply best for the beloved. Our “natural” “Gift-Loves” are always directed at objects that the lover finds loveable in some sense. However, Divine “Gift-Love” enables one to love what is not naturally lovable.

He also defined three elements of each of these loves: “Need-Love”, “Gift-Love” and “Appreciative-Love”.

“Need-Love” cries to God and others from our need, poverty, and desperation.

“Gift-Love” longs to serve God and others with what He or they have given us.

“Appreciative-Love” gives thanks for others’ and God’s gifts and glory.

Thomas Jay Oord, in his book The Nature of Love: A Theology (p. 56), defines this “agape” love as: “acting intentionally, in response to God and others, to promote overall well-being in response to that which produces ill-being.” “Agape” is to act with rational judgment and purpose to do good within available options as part of a mutual relationship with others. This love maximizes the benefit to all those concerned or impacted by any actions taken, not just for the self or the few at the obvious expense of the many.

As our author states, “Love Isn’t a Feeling. It’s a Commitment.” (p. 84) “Society’s conflation of love and emotion has led to unhealthy expectations.” (p. 85)

Divine Love (Agape) does not substitute itself for the “Natural Loves” (storge, philia, and Eros). The whole Christian life must come to the aid of mere feeling if the feeling is to be kept sweet. The “Natural Loves” are called to become models of “Agape” while remaining the “Natural Loves” they were. “Agape” does not descend into merely “Natural Love”. “Natural Love” takes up and turns into an obedient instrument of Love Himself (God).

The invitation to turn our “Natural Loves” into “Agape” is always present. This is unmistakable evidence that “Natural Love” will not be enough. In everyone, but especially ourselves, there are actions in those around us that require forbearance, tolerance, and forgiveness. The necessity of practicing these virtues forces us to let God turn our “Natural Loves” into “Agape“. The only eternal element in our love for family members, friends, spouses, or others – or even enemies – is the transforming presence of Love Himself (God).

• Love Pushes Us Toward Holiness

Focusing on God’s love without His holiness results in a Christianity that has little to no effect. It accepts the secular culture in its exciting pursuits, unlimited tolerance, unconditional compassion, and politically correct demands. At the other extreme, holiness without love ends up making holiness about Pharisaic things like rule-keeping and the perfection of actions at the expense of others.

True agape love holds both in proper tension. Holding firm to the truth and our convictions does not mean we live without love. I would argue that holding on to the truth and our convictions is how we live in love. Our author quotes Joshua Ryan Butler: “Our world is desperately in need of love that is more than comfort; we need love that is also a confrontation.” (p. 91)

True loving actions are based on how we approach others with this truth and our convictions.

It was in love that Jesus rebuked the Scribes and Pharisees (Matthew 23:13-36), and his own disciples (Matthew 16:23). The Apostle Paul wrote letters of rebuke to the churches he started when they strayed (2 Corinthians 2:4).

The wisest man to have ever lived, King Solomon, wrote:

“Better is open rebuke than hidden love.” (Proverbs 27:5, ESV)

This is the loving approach we should take when dealing with those close to us who are falling short. Confrontation in love.

• Love Is Also For the Unlovable

God does not love us because we are lovable. God loves us because He is LOVE. (1 John 4:8)

In Jesus’ sermon on the mount (Matthew 5:13-48), He first spoke of who the disciples are (salt and light) and what they must do (purify, flavor, preserve, and illuminate). He warns them against anger, lust, divorce, oaths, and retaliation toward others. He then returns to the positive admonition of what the disciples must do: “Love [Agape] your enemies.” (Matthew 5:44)

This is not about liking what they do or justifying their actions toward you or others. It is about “acting intentionally, in response to God and others, to promote overall well-being in response to that which produces ill-being.“

People often misunderstand loving compassion. In his book The Tragedy of American Compassion, Marvin Olasky writes: “… the Bible shows that when the Israelites sinned, they were to repent and turn away from their sin. Only then would God show compassion. 2 Chronicles 30:9 states the process precisely: ‘the Lord God is gracious and compassionate. He will not turn his face from you if you return to Him.’ Nehemiah 9:27 notes that “when they were oppressed they cried out to you. From heaven you heard them, and in your great compassion you gave them deliverers …’” (p. 218)

So, where does this leave us? Our author states: “Love that is only convenient and conditional is not love.” (p. 94) However, there is a fallacy in this. To love is to go out of your way, but just to go out of your way is not love. Love toward our enemies must be thoughtful and intentional. We must be wary of being used by our enemies in our attempts to love them.

“Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.” (Matthew 10:16).

To love our enemies, we must first understand how God loves us. (1 John 4:7-21)

“Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” (1 John 4:11, ESV)